the siggimus something

while riga is getting colder & colder & wetter & wetter & darker & darker every day, & siggimus sees less & less female flesh every day, there are still a few good points, actually

the circus has opened. there’s an wee amusement park in town, where you can be shot & thrown & fallen & whirled around in a variety of ways & lots of other stuff. & there’s always zelta


-bad day
-good night
-absconding mice
-readers’ response

the worst day in siggimus lore

the saturday of oct. 28 2000 will go down in siggimus lore as one of his worst

on fri. 27, in a devious & conniving attempt to do 3 things at the same time: decommission his nerve-ends in anticipation of a night sleeping directly upon one of the least soft floors siggimus has ever slept on; taking his sorrows over having been sacked a bit to some place akin to that which the titanic took most of its passengers; & un-hangover himself in a big way, siggimus plunges face first into the depths of the largest mug of beer in sight

but, as poet, merrymaker, friend of us mice & scotsman robbie burns so eloquently put it, “the best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley,”

siggimus dove deeper & deeper into the brew without a snorkel

siggimus got caught in oblivion’s tractor beam

siggimus purchased for himself a one-way ticket to hell — in the black market

siggimus did an icarus

this, just in case you didn’t know, does not sit well with the gods. does not sit well with the gods at all

generally you don’t want to do things that don’t sit well with the gods

see, the gods are vengeful gods. & what’s worse, they’re damn clever buggers (which is what distinguishes them from the cia, & hence clears the cia of any suspicion this time around). they’re awful good at hitting you where it hurts. to put it a bit too graphically, when the gods give you the boot, they rarely miss the scrotum

so, the gods convene & discuss what punishment they could possibly mete out this time to keep the insurgent from further rebellions & icaruses

the sentence was as follows:
a) hangovers, the likes of which have not occurred in the milky way in recent millennia
b) upset tummy, to further hammer home the point that aside from 3 small slices of deep-fried garlicbread, siggimus has consumed only a swimmingpool or two of beer since breakfast on fri. 27
c) one sore & half a bruise for every little toss or turn that siggimus makes on his hard floor
d) some 9 extra hours injected into the day in question, through a bit of doctoring with what you probably still believe, in your earthling ignorance, is a time-space continuum
e) all of the above keeping siggimus from going to the market to invest in a mattress

so, on the day in question, siggimus spent the equivalent of 23 earth hours lying on the hard floor feeling like, ehemm, to put it bluntly & overdo the graphics a bit again, excrement, going ‘ouch’ whenever he moved a bit & also quite a lot when he didn’t, between regurgitating 3 small slices of deep-fried garlicbread & a swimmingpool or two of beer, quite violently

at approx. 21.30 earth time, by which time the gods must have got distracted & returned to their other big project, sentencing the world to 4 years of bush, siggimus was left to his own sickly devices. unattended, siggimus snuck to ingest a little bit of solid food, for the first time in 45 real time hours

fortunately, siggimus has not gotten caught for that yet

a far better night in siggimus lore

having added teaching to his already long & mightily impressive list of achievements (where will this end!!?!, ed.), siggimus joins friend & maker of quality merry maiks kungs, celebrating his birthday with a select group of merrymakers

quite a large number of jolly merries were made before the night was over

obscene amounts of beer were fairly equally divided betwixt contestants

latvians were encountered, one of whom brandished a bank book with a sole deposit of 20 reichsmark, & a 20 reichsmark bill, & another of whom brandished snippets of knowledge about iceland gathered from his extensive collection of icelandic stamps, & the third of whom & sole female of whom, being in ownership of neither reichsmark nor icelandic stamps, brandished nothing at all

harðfiskur was produced from the pouch of siggimus & given to maiks kungs who initially frowned ever so slightly at the delightful scent, but later confessed under considerable duress that this icelandic delicacy indeed had something resembling charm. any & all friendly suggestions by the red-haired waitress that aforementioned aroma might not completely agree with the noses of some of the possible patrons of the establishments were met with loud lectures on icelandic traditions & bellows of “this is nothing!! you should smell rotten shark!”

this was, of course shortly followed by a choir of “skál fyrir íslandi!!”

siggimus found it necessary to seek reinforcements from minna, the cow of his life, to loud cheers from their admirers. the cow managed to reinvigorate the merrymakers causing them to make even more & potenter merry

as usually, the merrymakers were far from done making their merry when paddy whelan’s stopped serving them the golden mead, & yet again, a business was elsewhere taken. this time to the black cat of melnais kakis, where the beer seemed to multiply like gremlins in a swimming pool

a few rounds of pool were played in twos & twos, & in consideration of it being maiks kungs’s birthday, maiks kungs’s team was allowed to win quite a number of times. siggimus, for instance, only found it necessary to conquer maiks kungs’s team once, & even then made sure that it looked like an accident

the mouse abscondeth?

alas it transpires that even the best of relationships fail for reasons that can’t be helped. especially when mice try to juggle two females simultaneously & at the same time as if they were jugglers & not mice at all

while asking siggimus to choose between the two would be akin to asking him which of his ears should be chopped off & fed to the starving lions, siggimus must admit that one of them is giving him the largest number of headaches

so, in a democratic manner, siggimus has unanimously voted to keep the cow, the most wieldy of the lot as she can be deflated & put away handily in the siggimus pouch when her services are not needed or whisked forth & inflated to spice things up a bit when skies are gray but divorce the mammoth, 900.000 inhabitant & at the moment cold & dark & wet & dreary city he has recently struggled to make his own

said abscondation will take place on thu. nov. 16, in all probability to great wailing & gnashing of teeth & overall tearfulness amongst the audience

but fret not overly, siggimus’s dear friends & rigans & admirers, for siggimus will be available for gift-giving, beer-buying, goodbye-kissing, money-donating, whiskey-gurgling, & strip-teasing for practically anyone who wants to give him gifts, buy him beers, kiss him goodbye, donate him money, gurgle him whiskey & tease him strip from this precise moment & until he dies of old age

note that siggimus will be extremely available for all of these purposes & maybe one or two imaginative others on the eve of the abscond, wed. 15 nov, cf. schedule:

18.30 last supper, andalusian suns
19.00 still eating…
19.30 …ibid…
19.38 …new beer…
20.00 fireworks show in vermanes park (if weather allows, & fireworks can be obtained)
20.30 a few rides in the wee amusement park by central station
21.00 a beer at paddy whelan’s
22.14 a visit to the loo
23.39 another visit to the loo (siggimus means! he will be drinking beer!)
23.72 another beer
00.00 staff of paddy whelan’s starts trying to throw everybody out

should you contemplate nonparticipation in the event, note that all threats issued on the occasion of the siggimus birthday are still quite valid, with these minor amendments: don’t feel obliged to decorate the chocolate cake with eminems, smarties will do nicely this time around. as for spontaneous bursts of song & dance, just remember that any possible audience must fully understand whence the inspiration of the act is drawn

as always, appointments can be made via johnson at (+371) 9 299 814 [you know the drill], or simply by spuriously bumping into siggimus in the proverbial street

& let us all pray that siggimus manage to refrain from stepping on the bunioned toes any & all gods & the cia

siggimus readers’ response

we will all try to excuse this eager little reader for not being able to spell siggimus properly, as this is not the main issue here (there are no upper case letters in siggimus), but the general happiness & well-being of the planet we share & its inhabitants, who very often depend upon this publication for getting a bit of light into their dark & gloomy lives

Dear Siggimus [sic!!?!],

I’m very eager reader of your gazette. It makes my world spin around when I receive it. It makes me happy to read all the interesting things you encounter and all the adventures you have. My world is small, I have that red little thingy on my shower to get all the hot water I want. I have nice apartment with nice roommate. So reading your gazette can be the most interesting thing in my week.Because of my young age and inexperienced nature, I find it extremely fascinating to read about your amazing adventures. To me it’s almost a trip to another world, I try to imagine all those things you tell us, try to get the picture in my head. Sometimes I almost feel like I was there, but sometimes it’s just frustrating.

But alas, I don’t want to waste your time. I know you are busy trying to make this world a better place and expose all the crooks for the magazine I learned to trust. And you also have to think how to impress that (noun, deleted for privacy’s sake) we both know. 🙂

I go back to my boring life and hope that maybe someday I have even the slightest change to meet you. I know it’s a much to hope for but miracles happen, don’t they?


that is precisely siggimus’ point, young man! miracles do happen!

they won’t happen as often to you as they do to siggimus, but if you wait long enough, one of those is sure to come your way

but, thank you for a heartfelt letter. it is good to know that there are people out there who can appreciate the siggimus genius for what it really is

you, & all the other readers, enjoy!

it is a privilege for siggimus to have this role of making the world a better place for our children

until next time, keep in good health


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