the globe & siggimus

ekstra! ekstra!
read all about it!!

while siggimus is still battling the trauma following doing time in a latvian hospital, he can still recover a bit to send out a wee message & assure the world of his continued being

this issue:

-3 days in latvian hospital (shudder!)
-riga’s underground nightlife/swimming with the big sharks
-important announcement!

three days in a latvian hospital

in an extremely characteristic spasmodic fit of investigative journalism, siggimus recently took it upon himself to have a close look at latvian health care

from the inside

he promptly smote himself with a cramp in the siggimus neck & called for an ambulance. doctor has a wee look, asks a few questions, & pokes siggimus with a humongous needle, inserting 20 ml of traumodol into a aching siggimus
siggimus breaks into a wide grin

siggimus is ambulated to gailezers hospital for closer look. nobody understands siggimus when siggimus asks for straight-jacket. siggimus lifted to 8th floor, & parked in neurology department

siggimus gets more drugs. via iv & butt. enquiries in latvian into what is being pumped into siggimus by the litre result in answers such as ‘medicine’ & ‘no hurt’ by a nursing staff that lost practically all its megababity as the initial drug haze wore off

like the mouse he actually is, siggimus is subjected to all kinds of tests & experiments & probes & other fun things. there is kardiograms, rentgens, ultrasaunds, some more rentgens, & every few hours someone comes & tells siggimus to watch his/her fingers while he/she pokes the siggimus fingers & toes with needles
sharp & pointy needles

being a foreign & a siggimus, siggimus was stored in a small room with only three beds. the room had what looked like a private private, although siggimus never figured out where that other door led…

being a prudish siggimus, siggimus only used his private toilet for no. 1s. it wasn’t so much because of the newspaper clippings serving the purpose of tp, but rather the considerable lack of soap & drying equipment adjacent to the sink

fortunately siggimus didn’t need to hold in all his no. 2s for three days.
he discovered a glorious & shiny bathroom on the second floor on one of his excursions around the maze that is gailezers hospital. it didn’t even cost that much & was situated close to a smallish shop where siggimus went to stock up on water & life-sustaining food

not that the grub was anything to complain about, really. alternating between delicious oatmeal porridge with a glue-ish texture, & rice pudding for breakfast & dinner, a large chunk of butter on the side, & a slice of both white & black bread. for lunch there was something stewy, or boiled chicken. & if that was supposed to be coffee, siggimus has a complaint or two, but if it wasn’t, he hasn’t

only once did siggimus make the near fatal mistake of taking his vigilant eyes of his designated spoon, the sole implement for shovelling porridge & boiled chicken (not that much bone… really!) into siggimus

on the verge of tears, contemplating suicide & how a slice of white bread would fare as a porridge shovel, siggimus is saved in the nick of time, when his elderly but nonetheless resourceful neighbour/roommate comes to the rescue. he disappears for a few minutes, returning with another 30-year-old aluminium spoon for siggimus. while grateful, siggimus wondered whether blood was spilled. he still has nightmares in which the old man pushes over a weakly, but still kind, old woman, kicking her around a bit before wrenching the precious spoon out of her hands

siggimus’ bed didn’t give siggimus any considerable trouble sleeping until the third night. & siggimus knows that hard surfaces are supposed to be good for your back

the blanket kept siggimus warm enough when he wasn’t being iv’d with litres of cold ‘medicine’ & ‘no hurt’

siggimus is not given to complaining about the various hardships that the gods see fit to regularly bestow upon him, but if his arms were twisted in a rough manner until it hurt a bit, he might be tempted to mention lack of entertainment

being stuck in a hospital for 65 hours with last week’s issue of the baltic times, all of which he read before publication, & the economist, siggimus found himself reading the economist with hitherto unknown fervour

having run out of economist (even the ads are fascinating!), siggimus was back to passing time with watching ‘medicine’ & ‘no hurt’ drip into his slowly cooling arm. this event came to be regarded as the equivalent of christmas: it occurred fairly regularly & either the last one was being dreamt about or the next one anticipated in a childish manner

when discharged, siggimus was presented with a bill for 59,78 lats; a multitude of x-rays starring his neck; & a letter of diagnosis stating that there was a lack of proper diagnosis

but then again, the letter was in latvian, so it didn’t matter much…

ever since, siggimus has unfruitfully sought a t-shirt with the inscription ‘siggimus spent three days in hospital & survived!!’
as to possible reasons for the lack of such t-shirts, your guess is as good as siggimuses

swimming with the other big sharks

during a recent night on the town with his colleagues, siggimus (in another convulsive fit of i.j. now, that’s impressive, eh?) decided to dive to the bottom of the muddy puddle that is latvian nightlife, in an attempt to seek out the seedy undergrowth. the gooey stuff that is usually hidden from financially challenged siggimuses such as himself

siggimus & colleagues, warm up with a little ale & talk of their colleagues’ ineptitude. when the establishment ceases to serve the remaining siggimus & colleagues; maiks kungs & antra & siggimus, siggimus, antra & maiks kungs take their business elsewhere, across the street

having gotten duly pissed, m.k. suggests siggimus & colleagues take their business even elsewherer. he hypnotises siggimus & a. with tales of free beverages. yes, ladies & gentleman!! gratis beer!

incredulous, siggimus & a. decide to nevertheless investigate

m.k. leads siggimus & a. across the desert to the promised land, parting a sea or two on the way for dramatic effect

siggimus, m.k. & a. enter the pearly gates & hand over outdoor clothing & firearms before squeezing through the needle-eye of a metal detector & ascending the stairs to heaven

siggimus & m.k. make good use of the l.b.r. before advancing into the many-splendour’d hall, finding it close to empty. around 5 sullen individuals trying their luck at various tables

while m.k. musters up a bit of courage & wonders how this thing works, siggimus & a. put the ‘gratis beer’ theory to a test

the mechanical waitress does not, indeed, ask for payment when she hands over a glass of bubbly water w/ a slice of lemon (a.) & the smallest beer (siggimus) siggimus has ever been witness to. she did scribble something on a piece of paper for future reference, though

meanwhilst, m.k. has taken position at a table w/ a green cloth w/ squares on, & in a record 7,3 minutes m.k.’s dearly beloved 10 lats change ownership. the dealer, who clearly has the upper hand as it looked very much like he had done this sort of thing before, does not show much joy at the occasion, nor does he show much that could be mistaken for an emotion when siggimus sees fit to part with 10 of his hard-earned lats or later when siggimus donates 5 not-quite-as-hard-earned lats to the many-splendour’dness of kasinos latvija

professional though he was, the dealer did come inexcusably close to exhibiting an emotion when the siggimus minuscule beer toppled to celebrate what siggimus momentarily mistook for a winning streak

in a sympathetic fit of passion, m.k. decides that 5 more of his lats are better of with a new owner, before turning to the bar for some of that ‘gratis beer’

feeling ever so slightly invisible, m.k. finally manages to catch the robotic waitress’ attention & ask for a beer

“the bar is only for players”

after a few seconds of digesting this, m.k. takes to thanking her heartily, if ever so loudly, for correcting any mistaken notion he might have been harbouring under that he was, indeed, a player

siggimus, m.k. & a. vote unanimously for exodus, hollering insincere, ironic, & last but not least, hollow thank yous to all & sundry on their way

passing through the pearly metal detector gate seems not to be accompanied with quite the same amount of pleasure when travelling in this direction as the other

a smallish, but nevertheless determined, man followed siggimus, m.k. & a. at a distance, undoubtedly to make sure they came to no harm on their journey

upon exit, further rejoicing ensues when siggimus, m.k. & a. discover that their plentyfulness of money is about to be further de-plentied in the taksicabs needed to bring all our heroes to their beds

important announcement!

on the 26th of october some years ago it came to pass that a siggimus was born. this siggimus later turned out to be the one & only siggimus you have all come to know & love so heartily

to celebrate this holy event that took place way back in the dark ages when nobody knew what a siggimus was, & the progress the siggimuses of the world have since made, moving from utter obscurity & destitution to intergalactic fame & fortune, siggimus bids you to join him in an insane bout of drunken debauchery at paddy whelan’s, riga, latvia at approximately 20.00 sgt (siggimus&gvidotime), lasting as long as there is anything to drink or debauch

should you find yourself unable to attend, you will unfortunately find yourself acquainted with the infamous curse of siggimus, causing you to be smitten (smoted?) by country music whenever you least expect it & are at your most defenseless

lest, of course, you devote 7 minutes of your life to siggimus’ well-being on the day in question, preferably in the vicinity of a freshly baked betty crocker chocolate cake, decorated with emm&emms, to be sacrificed in siggimus’ name. some spunk & large amounts of beer will suffice for the same purpose

fireworks and/or spontaneous outbursts of song & dance are not compulsory, but as always a welcome gesture

to book appointments with hms siggimus, call +371 9 299 814, & ask for his royal siggimusness [any reference to the utter uselessness of this phonenumber would by this time be kinda ridiculous, right?]


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