hell – a survivor’s tale

as robbie burns said again, “the best laid schemes of mice & men gang aft agley.” you probably learnt the siggimus abscondation/farewellst party program by heart only for siggimus’ grand plans to be villainously & in all probability illegally thwarted. after siggimus enjoyed mouth-watering burritos at a. suns with zelta, followed by a shot of a 12 year old mr. regal, a big & hairy thwart turned up linedancing centre stage: nowhere were fireworks to be found & wee amusement park next to the train station was undergoing disassembly without siggimus’ permission, & siggimus found himself suddenly with two lats on his siggimus

being left with a choice of burning garbage in bins in vermanes park or joining the staff of the baltic times, whence he was ignobly & martyrically booted to make room for a smelly old boring fart, for a pool tournament in klondaika, siggimus chose the latter after 30 minutes of attempts at igniting trash in the park that turned out to be less than fruitful, quite possibly due to it having rained for two days straight

nobly not wishing to steal the show, siggimus magnanimously lost already in the first round & turned to gulping down beer paid for with other people’s money, aside from one beer paid for with half of siggimus’ money, & pool coaching

when all was over & felikss stood as victor, holding the magnificent prize of a 30×70 cm pool table, siggimus withdrew to pulkvedis for the last time in a bit with the partyanimalest of the crew

received further beers but only one vodka from the fanclub. shook vigorous booty to the thumping of james brown

withdrew at around 3.30 to a ceremony of farewells in square. concerned admirers enquire into the siggimus state of financial affairs. siggimus runs & pokes bankomat a bit before answering with an uncharacteristic lack of nonchalance, ‘siggimus hopes they takes credit cards at the bus station’

siggimus discovers a 5 lat bill hidden in the siggimus wallet in precognisant anticipation of precisely this moment. brandishing the infamous siggimus haggle, siggimus will get to plavnieki for a mere 3 lats by taxi, leaving another 3 lats for other disposals. & adding the 5 lats siggimus intends to wring out of his debitcard, it should cover the 0,20 lats for trollejbuss & the 6,50 lats for autobuss to tallinn & even leave change for a snack

slimy greenish cabby not in possession of 2 lats change, so siggimus ends up paying 4 lats afterall & wasting a whole haggle. panic does not yet approach, but can be seen wobbling in the distance, gloating in the general siggimus direction

siggimus travel plans:

-7.20: bus to tallinn,
-13.20: ferry to helsinki,
-17.00: meet friends in helsinki
-20.58: stay the night w/ friends or take a train to jyväskylä

siggimus oversleeps ever so slightly

wakes up at 9 after ca. 4,5 hours of sheep. still has time to catch 10.50 bus

finishes packing. result is the ugliest backpack siggimus has seen.
unshapely protrusions hither & thither. manages to heave the approx. 93,7 kgs up & hang unto his person & amble to interpegro supermarket

after a long & wearying battle, manages to milk 5 lats out of bankomat using a mixture of psychokinetic powers & a puppy dog look to invoke the contraption’s sympathy

gloats back at panic puttering about in vicinity. has 7 lats to be spent in the following manner: 0,20 lats for trollejbuss, & 6,50 lats for autobuss to tallinn leaving a hefty 0,30 lats for a snack

on the trollejbuss, siggimus finds the evil & pungent foot of the cia yet again trying to trip up his plan. an agent, poorly disguised as a conductress, takes the siggimus luggage hostage, demanding an obscene amount of money. his luggage being destitute, siggimus forks over a 20 santim coin on its behalf, & dons an insincere smirk. ‘i thwart your thwart!’ he chuckles to himself

agent puts knife to neck of siggimus luggage & demands more. siggimus hands over another 20 santim coin, smirk growing ever insincerer

evil agent/conductress forfeits game & leaves to terrorise other luggages

insincere smirk takes leave of absence & is replaced hastily by sweat, breaking out on the siggimus brow profusely. the siggimus panic wobbles in & kicks siggimus in the shins

siggimus counts his money. 6,40

siggimus counts his money again. 6,40

siggimus counts his money backwards. 6,40

siggimus recalls the price for the bus ticket to tallinn. 6,50

siggimus counts his money sideways. 6,40

siggimus attempts to invent new math to prove he has enough money for the ticket

siggimus attempts to invent a way of conveying newly invented math in latvian

siggimus starts looking for change on the floor & in small people’s pockets

siggimus practises puppy-dog look

gvido announces 10.04

another profuse sweat breaks out on the siggimus brow

trollejbuss lands at 10.28. siggimus & 93,7 kg amble toward bus station, consulting gvido on a regular basis to see whether they’re making good time. get to bus station at 10.37, two minutes after they stop selling tickets through a hole in the wall. pray the bus driver will accept either credit card or puppy-dog look as payment

bus driver frowns at credit card. looks at siggimus as if siggimus were a freak & not a siggimus

siggimus offers 6.40

bus driver offers to take siggimus to pärnu, estonia

siggimus shakes head, on verge of tears. although siggimus does have estonian money, 29 eek (almost $2) will not get him very far or sustain him & his spendthrift habits for long

adds 2,5 pathetics to puppy dog look

bus driver breaks down & starts to cry. ‘just because you are siggimus,’ he sobs

siggimus sighs a big sigh of relief, squeaks ‘liels paldies,’ but largely refrains from hugging

has lotsa fun on bus msging ppl via mob.

tries restrooms in the bordertown of ainazi. manages to hit the smelly hole in the floor, mostly. thanks gods for not needing to do no. 2

realises siggimus has 8 fims on his siggimus. bus to town from ferry terminal is 10 fims. bus no accept credit cards

msgs sis. asks for 200 fims loan. dep. into bank acc. no prblm

sveiki tallinn. gvido announces 16.45

‘when next boat, you sweet little thing that always working with big smile when siggimus come?’

’18. another 19′

‘er, according to thingy fast boat leave 17.15?’

‘fast boat on vacation’

goes on boat. curses cia & promises to avenge this. stay tuned

aside from the usual, drunk middle age to elderly finns singing karaoke & dancing tango while waiting to be let off the boat with their two cases of beer on a creaking little cart, nothing much happened on boat

siggimus arrive in helsinki 21.15

squeezes 200 fim out of otto. tries calling people he knows, to arrange a place to stay. no luck

takes bus to bus station, to find it closed. next bus at 1.30, costing approx. 200 fims?

bus no accept credit cards

further attempts at arranging a place to stay or money to go via payphone leave siggimus deeper in pickle, with 173 fims

siggimus amble to train station to wait inside, helsinki being considerably colder than riga

hangovers, 11 hours of travel, 93,7 kgs & an annoyingly meddlesome cia starting to weigh siggimus down a bit

tries giving a bartender the pathetic puppy treatment, to little avail.
explaining pickle no simple matter

siggimus faced with following options:
-praying & hoping bus driver accepts credit cards,
-if he doesn’t, promising him as many of siggimus’ firstborns as necessary,
-holding up smallish bank,
-going to a hotel & waving credit card around

as usual, when about to be struck down with lightning, siggimus automatically goes on lightningrod mode. as superheroes are wont to do, he saves the day

using a homemade concoction of magic & hypnotism, siggimus overpowers an otto & pinches 200 more fims from it

stuns siggimus panic with a cattleprod & kicks it around a bit, squealing ‘take that! you panic you!’ before tying it to tram tracks & scuttling off
not an easy task to accomplish with 93,7 kgs of baggage on your siggimus, scuttling

stands outside bus station for an hour whistling melodiously to draw attention from his siggimus & dancing with b. chicken to keep warm. reads bus schedule for entertainment. helsinki 1.30 — jyväskylä 5.45 — rovaniemi 15.30

at least siggimus is not going to rovaniemi

bus arrives. siggimus boards, along with the other passenger. gets four seats & a table to his siggimus. chauffeur, probably upon recognising siggimus, offers blankets & pillows for siggimus’ perusal

siggimus nods off

siggimus wakes up & disembarks in jyväskylä, to be greeted by an ever so grumpy but still fabulously hot chick who was careful to point out that the lights are turned off & people stay indoors & under warm sheets during nights for a reason
siggimus will survive

probably forever

siggimus 18.243 – cia 13


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