in recent years, as siggimus’ fame grows outside the relatively small, close knit circle he has mingled in until lately, he has begun receiving requests for assistance from the variousest corners of the world. This time, not surprisingly, siggimus has been contacted by one of the makers of history (or his wife, well widow by now, rather), for assistance
some background
our story begins on oct. 20, 1934, when joseph désiré mobutu was born in lisala, in what was then known as belgian congo. joseph received his education in missionary schools before enrolling in the belgian congolese army for a stint, later moving on to journalism
joseph met & befriended congolese nationalist leader patrice lumumba & soon found himself in the midst of the fight for an independent congo, free of the oppression of its evil belgian rulers & was in a key position on june 30 1960, when the democratic republic of the congo finally got its hard earned independence
mobutu then gently stabs his close friend patrice lumumba in the back, choosing to side with president joseph kasavubu & the cia in a wee mutiny 8 days later. but that isn’t really surprising as lumumba was an evil marxist & maoist
5 years later president kasavubu gets into an argument with some feller named moise tshombe, & our hero sees this will not do & selflessly decides to be president himself, giving the others a well earned rest
mobutu was fond of african things so when he was in control, he took to renaming stuff: congo bebame zaire in 1971, & in 1972 he himself became mobutu sese seko kuku ngbendu waza banga (which siggimus has roughly translated as “the all-powerful warrior who, because of his endurance & inflexible will to win, will go from conquest to conquest, leaving fire in his wake”) & ordererd everyone else to take african names too
he also donned a leopard skin cap and a wooden walking stick topped with an eagle, a symbol of power that allegedly took the strength of eight normal men to carry. not surprising that he carried it lightly, seeing as at the age of 7 he killed a lion with his bare hands, & in a battle he fought against zaire’s enemies, bullets and spears bounced off his chest
mobutu’s endurance & inflexibility no doubt helped him conquer the presidential elections in both 1970 & 1977, although evil tongues maintained that the lack of other canditates helped him a bit
these same evil tongues spoke of corruption & evildoing, some even resorting to the word kleptocracy to describe the situation, insisting that our hero was amassing a personal fortune at the cost of his poor little countrymen
bah humbug! siggimus says to that. these are just the jealous tongues of people who have yet to perfect the delicate art of a prudent & frugal household as did mr. & mrs. sese seko. siggimus means! even old ronnie reagan described him as a “voice of good sense and goodwill.” & he described himself as “kind, sociable”
story draws to end
well, the story comes close to a tragic end in may 1997 when rebel leader dr. laurent désiré kabila seizes control of zaire, turning its name back to democratic republic of the congo, sending the happy sese sekos; m. & mobutu & their loving sons, timothy kongolo & basher into exile in abidjan, cote d’ivoire. from there they are off to togo, where they stay with mobutu’s old friend & dictator, gnassingbe eyadema
from togo they unsuccessfully tried to get to france, before settling in rabat, morocco where poor old mobutu on sept. 7, 1997 succumbed in his heroic battle with prostate cancer
surely a tragic day for democracy
today
anyhoo, now mrs. m. sese seko has gotten in touch with siggimus via e-mail, asking that he help her free some of the hard earned money (by one estimate $5 billion) her late husband had managed to secure in a swiss bank but the wicked kabilas (dr. laurent of course, & since his demise, his son, joseph kabila has carried on the torch) have been trying to get their slimy hands on with the assistance of the corrupt governments of switzerland & other evil european countries
the next step in this messy business is for siggimus to contact the venerable m. (as siggimus likes to affectionately call her) & tell her where to deposit some $18 million. soon after this, kongolo sese seko will get in touch for to iron out the details, which are, of course highly confidential & cannot be shared with you lot
siggimus can’t wait to start working on this what must be the justest cause he has ever come across & siggimus has come across some mighty just causes, mind you
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